28 days of me

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Day 17

I No Longer Fear Being Inside My Own Head

Sunday, May 17th, 2015
Show today's brain activity
Alpha 69%
Waves which occur when relaxed and calm
Beta 28%
Waves which occur when, for example, actively thinking or problem-solving
Gamma 2%
Waves which occur when involved in higher mental activity and consolidation of information

There’s been something on my mind now for a few days, and I was unsure if I should write about it or not, mainly because I risk sounding mildly crazy. Yep.

I am starting to no longer fear being inside my own head, with my own thoughts and my own feelings.

In fact, I am starting to really enjoy being there.

(Still with me?)

Previously, being alone with my thoughts was scary. I have a very active mind and although this might sound strange, I didn’t want to spend too much time with my own thoughts and how these thoughts made me feel. It wasn’t as though they were particularly negative, but I just preferred not to give these thoughts any attention. Instead I set out to achieve so much in my daily life that there just isn’t time to think, or deal with the feelings. Well, that is what I tell myself anyhow – I wish I could stop for a bit and just ‘be’ and ‘feel’ but I’m far too busy…

“I am starting to no longer fear being inside my own head, with my own thoughts and my own feelings.”

And the really scary thing about this is that then you are so reliant on your conditions and surrounding for happiness. ‘I need these things, this place, this job, this person’ to stay happy, because the alternative is I have to spend time alone with me, and my thoughts, and quite frankly, that would be awful ;-)

What I am finding from the meditation is that happiness is within me (I did warn you that this was going to get a bit left field…) I just needed to give myself the time and the space to find it. I realise this is an odd thing to say, but it feels like for the first time I have truly become mates with myself. And because of this, I am no longer as scared. And because I am no longer scared, I feel far more free.

Now, this doesn’t mean I am going to make any rash changes in my life but what is exciting about all this is I feel like I now have the potential to be a better girl friend / employee / daughter / friend.

I still have a very, very long way to go on this journey, and perhaps the people in my life won’t even start to feel or notice any change for a long time, but that is ok because even the fact that this change has started, and I am motivated to keep exploring this, is enough for now.

Today’s Meditation

15 minutes of 1 Giant Mind, sitting with legs crossed in front of me

Today’s Brainwave Activity

brain wave meditation data

Blue = Alpha waves, 69% (Day 1 was 43%) — this is the one I’m trying to increase.
Yellow = Beta waves, 28% (Day 1 was 38%)
Pink = Gamma waves, 2% (Day 1 was 19%)